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ClydeSight2.0!
Presents...
A Time Travel Clyde Mini-Epic!
THE IDIOCY AND THE ODDITY
(with apologies to Homer, the ancient Greek
Gods and Heroes,
and lovers of great literature everywhere!)
--Part II --
The ODDITY: An Epic Adventure!
Chapter Fifteen:
THE ISLAND OF BFCCONIA
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Henry was strolling along the railing of his balcony one early sunny morning when he spotted with his keen eye the exhausted form of a cat on the beach.
He instantly summoned his Palace guards, handycats, and physicians to follow him down to the shore. When they got close enough to make out who it was, they froze in their tracks.
"It is not possible!" They muttered.
Henry rushed forward to the prostrate Clydesseus and gently asked:
"I once had a dear friend who looked very much like you. But that was many years ago, and reason tells me that you cannot be him. Yet, something else inside me says that you are, indeed, my long lost friend. I cannot say which is true, so tell me, stranger, what is your name?"
Clydesseus could not lift his head, but only rolled his eyes and began to purr.
"Oh, joy! OH JOY!" Shouted Henry, jumping up and down with glee. That purr was the best ID Clydesseus could have, for every cat has a unique and different purr.
Henry rushed the physicians to Clydesseus' side, and they immediately got into an argument over his diagnosis. Fortunately, the popular, "He's dead." diagnosis could easily be ruled out, but other than that, the physicians were pretty stuck. There were just so many maladies to choose from, and cats aren't good at making choices.
Exasperated, Henry took charge, and ordered Clydesseus carried gently, as was befitting a hero, to the Palace where Henry himself would care for his friend and nurse him back to health. A good friend will do that for you, and Henry was Clydesseus' best friend on the Internet, only he didn't know that because there was no Internet, but an oracle could have told him about it for a small consulting fee.
Henry did for Clydesseus what any cat who knows anything about cat health would do, he gave him a bath by licking him all over. For cats, this seems to be just the ticket to feeling better, and in no time, except for a slight 16-hour nap, Clydesseus was healed of all his wounds. He slowly opened his eyes to a new day, and a kindly, elderly, strange, yet familiar face.
"How's it going, old buddy?" Henry, who was lying beside Clydesseus to keep him warm, asked.
"You... you know me?" Clydesseus hoarsely whispered.
"Well, I like to think I do!" Henry licked his front paw in indifference.
"But, I don't know you. Have we met somewhere before? You do look a little familiar." Clydesseus asked, sitting up.
"You don't recogni..." Henry's voice trailed off as he realized that time had changed him. "Who do you think I am?"
"I.. I once had a friend, a great ruler, a Grand Master.. oh, but it was so long ago. You see, I have been at sea for such a very long time..." Clydesseus' voice trailed off as he realized that all his friends, everyone he knew must by now be very old. "His name was Henry," Clydesseus continued, " a really good friend. I sort of... lost touch... during my journey and all-- well, I don't have a very good long distance calling plan but-- could you... is it possible...?"
Before Clydesseus could finish his extremely long question, Henry gave him a big head bump and face rub, as do all cats who are very good friends.
"Time has made some alterations in me, Clydesseus, yet has somehow seen fit to leave you as you once were." Henry whispered while sniffing Clydesseus' ear. "How can this be, buddy?"
"Oh, it's a really, really long story. Just ask anyone who tries to read it on the Internet... oh, never mind about that now. Henry, I am so glad to see you! I have been trying, for years it seems like, to get home to Hissica. Oh, I'm so close!"
Clydesseus jumped down from the bed and ran to the balcony rail from which he could see the sea.
"Henry, pal, could you lend me a boat?" He asked, tail twitching.
"Sorry, buddy, no can do. We're fresh out. Our fleet sailed into the sunset two weeks ago in search of better trading routes. We haven't even got a rowboat!"
"Oh, I see." The disappointed Clydesseus jumped down. "Must be another trick," he muttered under his breath.
"What's that buddy? Hey, look, the fleet won't be gone forever, and in the meantime, you could tell us your story, share with us your great adventures! A hero like you must have a whale of a tail to tell!" Henry purred loudly.
"Thanks, Henry, for trying to cheer me up, and for your hospitality. Sure, I'll tell you all about my adventures. Maybe then, you'll know why I am so eager to get home." Clydesseus rubbed Henry's flank.
"Oh, I understand about that already. I've met Penelopuss, remember? Who wouldn't want to come home to her? She's an angel!" Henry complemented Clydesseus' wife.
"It's not just that Henry, it's... well, Telephoneus, what's happened to him? And Hissica, what is going on there? I am responsible for it, and I have been away so long, so long!" Clydesseus wailed.
"Easy pal, easy. We'll get you home, don't you worry! If you can't wait for your ship to come in, well, we'll just have to come up with an alternative form of transportation. Maybe a teleporter or something, even though I haven't the foggiest idea what that is. Don't worry, we'll figure something out." Henry assured him.
That made Clydesseus feel better. He knew that Henry was very clever, almost as clever as he was.
That night, as was the custom, after dinner at the Palace, someone had to tell an interesting or amusing, and preferably both, story. Naturally, Clydesseus was the star attraction.
Now, in those days, they sang rather than recited, and so Clydesseus sang his tale to the accompaniment of the royal Bfcconian harp that played only in the Bfcconian mode. This was unfortunate because Clydesseus was singing in the Ionian mode. Just then, the servants came in with pie a-la-mode, and the story really had to wait until after everyone had their just desserts.
Anyway, it took many, many nights for Clydesseus to reveal his tail to the anxious audience. But they loved every minute of the suspense, for the story was truly fascinating. And Clydesseus was happy to pay back their hospitality with a little entertainment. As everyone knows, it is always entertaining when someone reveals their tail.
The next day, as Clydesseus and Henry Von Tudor were strolling along the colonnade, they heard excited voices in the near distance. This, of course, peaked their curiosity, so they rushed around the corner to investigate.
There, in the town square, was a procession of mewsical academics from the University of Bfcconia, the "Singing Profs".
Upon seeing Henry Von Tudor, the grand marshal broke ranks and rushed up to him excitedly saying, "Oh, Grand Master Henry, we have done it! We have, as you requested, combined all our knowledge and skill and have created a Bfcconian National Anthem! "
Grand Master Henry purred in delight and asked them to sing it at once.
Proudly, there in the town square, for all the kitties to see, the academic musicians arranged themselves into a semicircle, brought out their instruments, and then waited for the gathering crowd to quiet. Once silence ensued, they began their stately and noble tune.
It was a grand tune, stating a noble theme with great respect and dignity. It did have a tendency to modulate, or rise in pitch, an awful lot, in fact, by the end, they were positively screeching.
When they had finished, the crowd clapped and cheered and wagged their tails excitedly (dogs aren't the only ones who do that!). Grand Master Henry was very pleased and congratulated them on their fine achievement.
The Bfcconian National Anthem
"...and," Said Grand Master Henry, "you think you may have words for
this tune in a few months?"
"Yes, Grand Master!" Eagerly replied the Provost of the Academics. "We
are working very hard on it. The words must be just right!"
"Of course they must!" Agreed the Grand Master. "But, let me introduce
you to a real treat. This is," He proudly gestured towards his companion, "Clydesseus
of Hissica, and founder of the great synthesizer band, Meowing Kitties."
The Provost bowed in respect, and they got into a long discussion about the mewsic.
It was a bit technical, as these things tend to be, and Clydesseus finally asked
the provost, "Why does the anthem modulate so much? It kept rising and rising.
It's a very interesting technique."
"Oh, do you like it?"
"Yes, it's very silly. I like that in an Anthem!" Clydesseus replied with
questionable courtesy.
"Oh, yes, well of course, we follow the teachings of a great philosopher, Aristootle." The Provost explained, "who
taught us to practice Modulation In All Things."
"Ahh, I see!" Replied Clydesseus. "What an interesting philosophy!"
"Until you run out of notes, of course." The Provost added.
They spent the rest of the day discussing philosophical mewsic, and had a really
pleasant afternoon.
During the long summer days that passed, Henry and Clydesseus checked out all the
travel possibilities, with little or no luck. The busses weren't running because
there weren't any busses; the trains weren't scheduled for a stop in Hissica, probably
because it was an island and there was no bridge. Henry put that on his list of 'things
to build'. And the airport (recently built by the Fates, who were still upset with
Poseidon) was shut down by a UFO convention. The problem was caused by all the UFOs
that showed up for it. They managed to block all air traffic, and, the convention
was scheduled to run for a month.
So, Clydesseus was pretty depressed. He meandered along the beach, looking down into
the sand, feeling sorry for himself and was paying no attention to where he was going
when he bumped into something hard and big.
He
looked up and to his amazement, was staring at a beached sperm whale!
"Where'd you come from?" Asked Clydesseus, amazed.
"Uh, let's see now," the whale sarcastically replied, "could it be
the air? Ummm, no, not likely, no wings, you see. Only flippers. Flippers, hmmm maybe
that's a clue? Ummm, no, I don't think I came from a TV show and modestly successful
motion picture...hmmm, now, I'm sure, wait, I've got it! The Sea, I came from the
SEA!! Well, I am certainly glad we got THAT straightened out!"
"Duh!" Replied Clydesseus, irritated by the whale's attitude. "I meant...
well, what are you doing on the beach?"
"Oh, another tough question! Baking. Yes, I would say, considering that sun
up there, I'm cooking pretty good right about now. How's it smell, make you hungry?"
The whale replied.
"Stop that! I was only trying to... wait a minute, are you, STUCK?"
"Oh, and I thought you'd never ask! Of course I'm stuck, what does it look like!?
In case you haven't noticed, we whales are black, we don't need a tan!" The
whale snapped.
Unrebuffed, Clydesseus shouted, "Wait here, I'll get some help!"
He raced back to the Palace and told them all what he had found. Soon, a rescue party
was formed, carrying blankets, kitty pads, beds, fluffy towels and draperies and
sheets and anything they could soak down and cover the whale with.
But, it turned out to be a very big whale, and all their linen hardly covered a third
of it. The whale looked on helplessly as they tried to wet it down and relieve it
from the torment of the sun's heat. The task proved impossible. Eventually, they
gave up and went away, frustrated, but Clydesseus remained, spitting sheer buckets
of water at the poor creature. He spent the whole of the day doing this, until finally
the sun went down and the damps of the beautiful evening began to help cool the poor
whale.
Exhausted, Clydesseus sat down, leaning against the belly of the great beached beast.
"Cat, why do you stay with me?" Gasped the whale, clearly near the end,
for its own weight was crushing its great heart.
"I have to help you."
"Why, what am I to you, but another creature?"
"You have feelings; you have pain; you're suffering. Well, you ARE suffering,
aren't you?" Clydesseus demanded.
"Oh, yeah, you got that one right. Right now, I'm suffering so bad, I think
I want to die!"
"No, oh, no wait, don't do that!" Clydesseus was on his feet. "Stay
awake, don't you die on me! Look, there's got to be a way out of this. Think!"
"Well, a nice tidal wave might help." The whale considered.
"Of course!-- It would kill the rest of us-- wait a minute. What about a little
one, you know, enough to suck you out to sea, but not enough to cause too much beach
erosion."
"Yes-- that could work." The whale agreed. "How you gonna do that?
You got connections in the sea?"
"Maybe I do, maybe I DO!" Clydesseus thought of the Sea God, Poseidon.
"Oh whale. You just watch this!" Clydesseus ran to the foamy surf. "Hey,
Poseidon, Poseidon we need some help!"
A huge voice bellowed from the deep, "What do you think I am, a Temp Agency?"
"Wait, there's a... ", then Clydesseus considered the best way to encourage
the Sea God to help. "Oh mighty and gracious Lord of the Sea, Master of all
You Survey, one of your subjects has become trapped by the evil land demon, and cannot
return to your bosom..."
"Cut the crap, Clydesseus." Poseidon bellowed. "It's a beached whale,
that's all."
"It's enough, isn't it?"
"There's plenty of fish in the sea!" Poseidon replied absently. He seemed
very unconcerned beneath his foamy waves.
"A whale isn't a fish, it's a mammal." Clydesseus offered. "I learned
that from a dolphin I insulted, just before I went sailing without a porpoise, as
you MAY remember!"
"Detail, details. I really can't be bothered. Why, if I spent all my time trying
to rescue every soul that got into trouble, well..."
"Isn't that sort of your JOB!? I mean, what else is a God good for?" Clydesseus
parried.
"You expect a lot from us Gods." Poseidon remarked.
"Who better to expect anything from?" Clydesseus replied, not bothering
to correct Poseidon's grammar. "Now, please, we need your help!" He almost
whined, but caught himself. That's how he got into trouble in the first place.
"Maybe later." The indifferent God replied and would say no more.
Clydesseus returned to the whale's belly.
"That could have gone better." The whale remarked.
"Well-- we're not best friends right now. We're working on it. I thought maybe
he cared enough to help, considering..." Clydesseus' voice trailed off as he
thought about the situation. "But there's got to be some way..." Clydesseus
sat bolt upright. "I know. I KNOW, This is bound to work!" he was very
excited.
"What will?"
"An insult! It will probably get me killed, but, it will also get you free!"
"An insult? What, you're going to do, insult me into the sea? I don't see how
that could work... I'm just not that sensitive. I've got pretty good self-esteem,
and there are all those cheering fans who go on whale watches..."
"Not you-- Poseidon! Look, that old goat... er, the great Sea God has a real
nasty temper, I mean a hair-trigger whopper of a temper. I can set him off. I know,
because I've been doing it for years! Trust me, if anyone can get a rise out of Poseidon,
I sure can! So that's what we'll do. I'll insult him, and of course, he'll send a
big wave to beat the daylights out of me, and you'll be floated free. Easy as pie."
Clydesseus was very proud of his cleverness, even if it would undo all the work he
had gone through with Poseidon.
"But, you could be killed!" The whale gasped.
"Well, that's a chance we'll have to take."
"You can't."
"I must-- what choice do I have? Besides, I might survive. I can run pretty
fast. Lots of toes you know?" He showed the whale his big paws.
"You...you would do this for me?" The whale asked, amazed. "Risk your
life, just for me?"
"I guess." Clydesseus mused, looking off into the distance.
"Why?"
"I really don't know..." his voice trailed off as he became lost in his
thoughts, especially the one that said "So why ARE we willing to get killed
for a whale we just met, who we really don't know all that well?"
"Hey, Clydesseus," The whale said quietly, while imperceptibly rolling
on her side.
"Huh?" Clydesseus turned to look.
The whale shot a powerful stream of sperm whale milk right into Clydesseus' face!
"MILK GOT SOME!? Ha ha ha ha ha." She screamed with laughter, rolling down
the beach into the ocean. There in the foamy evening waves, when she breached, she
turned into the great Sea God himself, Poseidon, still laughing and winking. "GOTCHA!"
He bellowed and dove beneath the surface, splashing a small wave to shore with his
finny tail.
Clydesseus licked the delicious, slightly salty milk, from his face while he stared
out to sea in wonder. It had been Poseidon all the time! What a wonder, the God was
playing with him! That meant, he HAD to be his friend, because friends play with
each other. They're the only one's who do.
In the roar of the surf, Clydesseus heard a sea-deep echo, "Foam home, Clydesseus,
foam home." Clydesseus had no idea what that meant.
But, he smiled, for Poseidon had his gentle revenge, the final word, the best trick
of all. Clydesseus always gave credit where credit was due. And with that trick,
Poseidon was telling him that all was well, and he finally had a friend in the sea.
After all, if you can't play with a God, who can you play with? He knew it would
be safe to sail home, in fact, he would be guided and aided by his new friend.
The only problem was, he had no boat.
"Figures" Clydesseus muttered as he walked back to the Palace, his spirits
suddenly sinking within him.
The setting sun had made the most beautiful display of rosy light on the Palace walls
and columns. Clydesseus admired it as he walked back. Then, to his surprise, he heard
a shrill shriek and saw a chamber maid shoot out from the second story balcony, desperately
hanging onto what looked like a canister style vacuum cleaner!
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"Eureka, Eureka!" Clydesseus heard the joyful shouts of Henry Von Tudor from within. Obviously, Henry had discovered something.
Henry came skittering around the corner, slipping on the polished marble floor
of the Palace as Clydesseus came in.
"Hey buddy, I got it! I GOT IT!" Henry hollered as he raced around Clydesseus.
"Got what? Fleas?" Clydesseus asked, his tail twitching with anticipation.
"No, not fleas silly! Come on, I'll show you!" Henry scampered away down
the long hallway into a bedroom. Clydesseus was hot on his tail.
The bedroom was empty except for a taut vacuum cleaner cord which led out onto the
balcony.
"You know the vacuum cleaner, how it sucks up everything in sight? Well, guess
what happens when you reverse the plug?! IT BLOWS! I talked Freya, the chamber maid,
into trying it out. Look, there she blows!"
Henry pointed out the balcony to poor Freya, clutching the vacuum cleaner which was
straining its cord as it shot a sooty exhaust. Henry looked down and could see that
the device and its hapless rider were right over a nice, soft haystack.
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"Cool trick!" Admired Clydesseus.
"No trick, buddy, it's how we're gonna get you home!"
"On a vacuum cleaner?!"
"Sure. Look, all we have to do is lengthen the cord!" Henry beamed.
"How much cord have you got? It's several nautical miles to Hissica!" Clydesseus argued.
"No problem, they're having a sale at the hardware store! We're cool, man, we've got it all covered. We just plug 'er in and off you go! You'll be home in no time!" Henry was absolutely elated.
"I don't know about this, Henry." Clydesseus stalled. "I think I'd rather take a cruise than fly. Maybe I should wait for my ship to come in."
"Lots of cats have been doing THAT for years, and she never shows! No, trust me buddy, this will work!" Henry coaxed.
"What happens," asked Clydesseus as they walked back to the Palace lobby, "if I run out of cord?"
"Oh, well, you'd probably crash into the sea." Henry admitted. "But that won't happen! There's plenty of extension cord, and I ran the numbers on my solar calculator, so I know the figures add up."
"Henry, it's night! How can that thing work?" Clydesseus pointed out.
"Oh, well, residual energy, that sort of thing. Anyway, don't worry, I've got it all covered."
That evening, after dinner, they held a celebration for Clydesseus. There was music and dancing and lots of catnip going round. It was a grand farewell party. They wanted to give Clydesseus a grand send off. And while they partied, the handycats worked all night setting up a special stage in the courtyard from which Clydesseus could be launched on his vacuum cleaner. By morning, it was complete.
Marching to a grand band fanfare of the brand new Bfcconian National Anthem, Clydesseus and Henry and all the residents of Bfcconia gathered at the stage. Clydesseus eyed the structure warily. The vacuum cleaner had been mounted on a launching rail which was set to a precise angle determined by geometry. The problem was, geometry was the one course Henry Von Tudor had skipped in school. Clydesseus considered this an important factor in this enterprise.
The band finished its music, and the crowd cheered, hoping for a farewell speech from Clydesseus.
He looked at all their faces smiling and happy, and felt himself choke up with emotion. For they had treated him kindly and well, and their friendship was a valuable treasure. He looked at Henry, proudly sitting by the "Great Cleaner Eurekat", ready to launch his best friend into the unknown, and felt a deep warmth in his heart. Yes, he thought to himself, they would indeed get him home. He raised his paws to quiet the expectant crowd and made his speech.
"Thanks for everything. I'm outta here!"
He climbed aboard the machine, settling nicely with paws wrapped around the HEPA filter, and gripped tight.
"Ready?" Asked Henry.
"Let's do it!" Clydesseus said, sticking one of his many front toes up in the air.
Henry plugged the cord into the heavy duty outlet. The machine whirred and roared to life. Vibrating and rumbling, roaring with pent up energy and sheer cleaning power, it automatically cycled through the settings; Bare Floor, Low Rug, getting more and more powerful, its electric motor whining with pulsing energy waiting to be released, until it reached DEEP CLEAN! The roaring machine shot up along its launching ramp, hurtling itself and Clydesseus high into the air!
On stage, the unbelievably long extension cord whipped and unwound with a zipping sound, and everything was running perfectly. Henry watched as the form of his friend streaking toward the horizon grew smaller and smaller in the distance, to the reassuring zipping sound of the unwinding extension cord. Clydesseus shrunk to nothing in the distance, and the zipping of the cord sang his progress.
On board the great "Great Cleaner, Eurekat", Clydesseus was going for the ride of his life! The whole island of Bfcconia flew below him as he raced toward the horizon. The wind whipped through his fur, and so great was the acceleration that his whiskers were forced back onto his face! But Clydesseus was happy, thrilled. This ride was so exciting! Down below, the silvery sparkling sea shone in the morning sunlight, and far, far in the distance, Clydesseus could see the dim outline of Hissica, his long lost home. He was racing, hurtling through the sky, faster than the birds, mounted on this roaring, powerful machine as it carried him home on its back, inspiring confidence with its sheer power.
Until the cord snapped.
Unfortunately, there was a slight mishap with one of the connections among the many extension cords, and the machine had become unplugged. So, naturally, it stopped running. And flying. And began falling. Along with Clydesseus.
He hurtled toward the sea, sure to be smashed by the force of gravity on impact. He was going to cry out, then thought, "Who could possibly hear me?" Yet, something, perhaps it was his soul, made him cry out anyway, "Hellllllppp!"
That act of 'faith in the unknown something' is all the Gods really require.
Instantly,
Hurries appeared on his Sky Surfin' Board (which he picked up in the virtual future)
and scooped up the falling Clydesseus and Great Cleaner, Eurekat."Thanks!" Clydesseus said, looking up at the beautifully handsome messenger.
"All you had to do was ask." Hurries replied as they soared toward Hissica.
In a few minutes, they landed perfectly in the surf. Clydesseus looked around, hardly recognizing the place, sniffing the air for all its smells and aromas. It looked like home, it felt like home, it smelled like home.
"Am I home, am I really home?" He asked in wonder.
"That's what it says on the shipping ticket. 'Pick up one cat, hurtling into the sea, and deposit, along with one bizarre flying machine, on the south beach of Hissica.' It's signed by Poseidon. He's a new client, you know."
"Poseidon?" Clydesseus mused. In his heart of hearts, he said, "Thanks, God." In his heart of hearts, he heard, "No sweat, Cat."
Clydesseus started up the beach, but Hurries called him to stay, saying, "Stay."
"What?" Clydesseus asked.
"You got a message too. The line was bad so the signature's garbled but the message says 'The Palace is full of suiters and the kingdom is in peril. Do not reveal yourself until your day in court.'"
"Huh?" Asked Clydesseus.
"I've no idea what it means, I just deliver this stuff. Okay? This package came with it." Hurries remarked and instantly flew away.
Clydesseus opened the package to find it contained a Bfcconian chambermaid's
uniform. He sighed, put it on, admiring the simplicity of the plain, white, if oversized
garment with its face hiding hood, grasped the handle of Great Cleaner, Eurekat,
and headed toward the interior of the island. It was Hissican soil that oozed through his toes, in a Hissican morning. He was home, home, HOME!
And he was going to clean up!
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