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ClydeSight2.0!
Presents...
A Time Travel Clyde Mini-Epic!
THE IDIOCY AND THE ODDITY
(with apologies to Homer, the ancient Greek
Gods and Heroes,
and lovers of great literature everywhere!)
--Part II --
The ODDITY: An Epic Adventure!
Chapter Seventeen:
THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF CLYDESSEUS
Queen Penelopuss sadly related her tail of the fall of her great house, pulled
down after the King had left for the Togan War. And here is what she told him:
It all started with two corporations, rivals of the House of Clydesseus in the Hissican
tuna oil market.
HissCornCo
and HissSunCo, which produced corn oil and sunflower oil respectively, had always
been bit players in the Hissican economy, and though they had remained respectful,
they had no fondness for the Royal House. Little did anyone know what they had been
planning! They had never shown any fondness for each other, and their products were
remarkably inferior to Olive's Oil. Individually, each was nothing, but together,
in an unstable alliance, they could, and did, cause trouble.
No sooner had Clydesseus left for Toy than the two corporations formed a secret pact
and filed a class action civil suit against the Palace, demanding an injunction against
the shipment of Hissican Olive Oil.
The court grew suspicious when it was revealed who the plaintiffs were, but by Hissican
law, the court had to hear their complaint.
The corporations used an amazing legal maneuver.
Ancient Hissican law stated that, in the absence of the King, an injunction could
be brought against the Palace to prevent the shipment of Hissican Olive Oil (HissOO).
Hissica was a capitalist monarchy and did not levy taxes, so the entire income of
the government was dependent on it being a producer of goods and services. HissOO
was the source of the government's power. Block it and the government would come
to a halt.
The law had been designed to overthrow any despot, or impostor who tried to claim
the throne. In effect, it would bankrupt the Palace, and therefore the government,
rendering it powerless. That would, they thought, take the wind out of the sails
of any would-be dictator. Of course, they hadn't figured what that would do to the
stock market.
It was kind of a stupid law, and Clydesseus had meant to change it, but had not gotten
around to it by the time he left for Toy. So, reluctantly, the court had to honor
the injunction. They stalled as much as they could, but since this was a civil action,
the Palace had to defend itself. It had no defense because the King truly was absent.
The court had to the enforce the injunction.
Queen Penelopuss posed no threat of despotism, far from it, but the law lacked the
little detail that there had to be an actual cause for the injunction other than
the absence of the King.
The injunction, of course, had a deteriorating effect on the household budget. Queen
Penelopuss managed the books with precision and grace, but it was impossible to stop
the decline, since all income had been blocked by the court.
Jars
and jars of Olive's Oil were left to rot in the warehouses. The corporations were
counting on that fact of nature, thus destroying all competition to their takeover.
After all, even if the government found a legal way to lift the injunction, by the
time they did, they'd have no more product. And guess who would be right there to
bail them out? It was an almost perfect plan!
As the royal treasury became exhausted, the Queen began selling off bits of the Palace,
starting with the most little used and inconspicuous items, like the 20-foot high
great gold front doors which brought in a handsome price, but left the place a bit
drafty.
Every day, the noble Queen balanced the books. Her hardest task was downsizing. No
one likes it, not even Queens, but she had to survive, so she moved into smaller
apartments and rented out the rest of the Palace. It came as no surprise that HissCornCo
and HissSunCo became her tenants.
The impossibly long and incomprehensible lease that was drawn up gave them power
over everything. It had started out simply enough, but the corporate lawyers added
a number of convoluted safety clauses. They were hidden somewhere in the fine print,
but, the Queen (who must have been exhausted that day) missed them and signed, desperate
for the rental income.
Then, the two corporations defaulted on their lease, claiming numerous health code
and safety violations, and put all the rental money in an escrow account so Queen
Penelopuss had done all for nothing because she could not get at the money. It would
take years to sort out all the health and safety complaints that the corporations
claimed against the Palace. And it was all perfectly legal. But it wasn't very nice!
Of course, the Hissican Olive Oil market dried up quickly, and with a well timed
advertising blitz, the two corporations launched their product on the international
market. Their market share naturally grew. For a while. They had the only product
in town, so one would expect that. Some modern corporations have tried a similar
tactic.
The Queen's only hope was her long lost husband. For, the same stupid law that created
this mess was also its relief. Upon the return of the rightful King, the injunction
had to be instantly lifted, and the Plaintiffs had to repay the government all its
lost income plus interest at the prime rate. This of course, would upset the market
again. But, they didn't think of that.
Over the years, things got worse. The corporations had effectively shut down the
government by virtue of bankruptcy, then bought it at 10% value, and took over. Then
they merged. Hissica was now the exclusive property of HissCorSunCo and became an
organizational state, possibly the worst kind of state anybody could be in!.
The new Mega corporation wasn't that bad at first. They never are. It made sense
to maintain the public welfare and to keep the population happy, so the corporation
did exactly that. They gave out a lot of free product, held contests and publicity
stunts, and created a strong brand identity among the citizens so that they didn't
complain when they realized that the company owned them.
But, a corporation is driven by the need for profit. Losses were not to be tolerated.
Any negative fluctuations in the balance sheet were passed directly to the citizens
with the amazing excuse that "Consumer's want to pay more for less." Apparently,
someone did a survey.
The population however, did not know what to do. They were afraid of getting laid-off.
When one's own country is also one's employer, getting laid-off becomes a really
big deal. You see, when you get laid-off, you get escorted off company property.
Hissica was an island. Think about it!
The corporation held everyone in the grip of fear. Fortunately, no one was laid-off,
though there were plenty of threats. Actually, they just promoted incompetent managers
to a level where their incompetence could do no harm because they were totally ignored.
This is another common tactic among badly run corporations.
Life under the corporation became totally controlled. Dress codes (uniforms) were
implemented, a security force was created (to protect the offices, they claimed,
though this was just a flimsy excuse for creating an army) and all holidays were
revoked because the corporation declared a marketing downturn and implemented emergency
measures. They claimed that the population was the worst drain on the corporate overhead.
The
PR department directed all creative art, which became increasingly
positive in its depiction of the corporation and their spokes-images,
Biffy and Buffy, two darling kittens who no one could resist.
They were named after the legendary giant children of the
Titans. No one (except Clydesseus, of course) had ever seen
these children, so any tale was taken as truth. And the tales
they told were of gentle, good kittens who always did exactly
what they were told, because it was "the right thing
to do". Their purrsuasive message of unquestioning obedience
and loyalty always worked. Although no one really liked the
product, they could not resist the purrsuasive power of the
two unrealistic kittens. In actual fact, no one ever saw the
kittens. In actual fact, the kittens did not exist. They had
been created by the PR department, and only their images were
seen. But the population controlled by HissCorSunCo believed
in them. Advertising can do that. Some called it propaganda,
but those critics soon disappeared, given meaningless jobs
guarding empty warehouses night and day, never allowed to
leave, that sort of thing.
All of Hissican life centered around the profit of the corporation, and eventually,
the citizens began to believe that if anything happened to it, they'd be in terrible
trouble. So they worked long and hard to keep the corporation afloat out of fear.
That fear was justified. You see, the corporation had a rather nasty secret.
The thing was bloated and top heavy, had far too much overhead, and wasn't bringing
in enough cash to survive.
The product did not sell well anywhere but in Hissica itself (mainly due to the influence
of Biffy and Buffy), and a country that depends solely on itself for its economy
is doomed. Countries need to trade goods and services, exchange cultures and ideas.
This was no longer happening. The Hissican economy was essentially chasing itself
around the balance sheets. Nothing new was coming in, nothing was going out. The
result was economic stagnation in an ever downward spiral of inflation.
All export orders dried up because the product was simply so awful. In spite of its
incredibly cheap price, and vast quantity, HissCorSunCo oil tasted sour, didn't store
well, and generally just annoyed consumers. Since Biffy and Buffy had almost no influence
outside of Hissica, the product had to stand on its own merits, of which it had none.
Consumers elsewhere simply purchased oil from the new producers who sprang up to
fill the need for a quality product.
This was not a concern of the officers of the corporation. They wanted to destroy
Hissica completely. By flooding the market with their rancid oil, they ruined the
reputation the Hissicans had worked so hard to develop with their neighbors. By draining
the economy, they drove the country into bankruptcy. By endlessly saturating the
Hissicans with tales of the goodness of Biffy and Buffy; the great and noble ideal
of working slavishly for the soulless corporation, they numbed the population into
a stupor, unable to resist anything. The cats had become sheep.
Meanwhile, the corporate officers quietly built a stash of laundered money in safe
places for the inevitable fall of the country. They'd then move on to another country
and start all over again. They believed their PR and legal departments could fool
anyone. And the rest of the world watched very carefully. All the neighboring principalities
avoided Hissica in general. So, the country was falling into ruin, all for the want
of a King.
And that is where things stood when Queen Penelopuss revealed her sad tail to Clydesseus.
"...so, you see, we are doomed, and only the return of the King can save us."
Queen Penelopuss concluded her explanation.
"Amazing!" said Clydesseus, "Absolutely amazing! I knew I should have
changed that...oops..."
"What?!" Asked the excited Queen.
"Uhh.." Clydesseus backed away, "I think I need to go clean the executive
suite now. Yes, now would be a very good time to do some mopping up." He hurried
out the door.
"But wait..." The Queen called after him. "You left your vacuum!"
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