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ClydeSight2.0!
Presents...
A Time Travel Clyde Mini-Epic!
THE IDIOCY AND THE ODDITY
(with apologies to Homer, the ancient Greek
Gods and Heroes,
and lovers of great literature everywhere!)
--Part II --
The ODDITY: An Epic Adventure!
Chapter Nineteen:
THE TRIAL OF CLYDESSEUS
The plan that Clydesseus developed with Queen Penelopuss and their wonderful lawyer
son, Telephoneous, was simple and based on Hissican law. The Palace could challenge
the injunction against them for several reasons, including the return of the King.
Even then, only the court could lift the injunction; the King did not have that power.
This prevented an impostor from taking over the throne. The trio decided to challenge
the injunction on the basis of economic ruin. No one could argue that, not the way
the Hissican economy was going!
It took about a week to get the court date, and the happy three made good use of
their time to gather information about HissCorSunCo and prepare their case. You see,
Clydesseus knew he would win the case; he was the King and he had returned. Justice
would recognize this. But, upon this recognition, it became his task to meet out
justice to HissCorSunCo. That meant, he had to understand their motives and what
they were doing.
As a kitten, Telephoneous had explored every inch of the castle, and being a kitten,
he "borrowed" a few things along the way. Among them, in his treasure box,
he revealed to Clydesseus a copy of a very unusual letter, written entirely in the
creepy language of the Creeps, which he did not understand. But Clydesseus did! He
read the letter carefully, and Queen Penelopuss could hear him growling as he read
the odious paragraphs. Then, he calmed down and said "Well, that was most enlightening!"
But he would say no more. The trio continued planning their strategy for court.
Meanwhile, the local media had caught wind of the upcoming trial, and it was an instant
ratings booster. There was no harm in that as long as they did not influence either
public opinion or the outcome of the trial. That was a challenge. Failure meant a
very costly criminal suit for obstruction of justice and some very negative publicity...
no more ratings.
On the day of the trial, the courtroom was packed with spectators,
standing room only. The fate of a kingdom hung in the balance,
and the citizens, some of them still loyal to the memory of
Clydesseus, were hoping for a restoration of the true government.
As was Hissican tradition, the court was a dramatic affair,
where justice followed strict mewsical rules. It started with
the brilliant "Fanfur
for the Uncommon Cat" (which wound up on a beautiful
a cassette that
wouldn't be released until far into the future) and procession
of the spectators who then took their seats.
As soon as everyone was settled, the bailiff sang out: "Enter the Plaintiffs."
Everyone stood while the Plaintiffs; Telephoneous, Queen Penelopuss and Clydesseus
the maid, marched in singing, "We're here because we're here." (you may
have heard that song or even sung it yourself) and took their seats to the sound
of some really nice MIDI mewsic over the courtroom PA system.
The bailiff sang out: "Enter the Defendants."
The lawyers and senior officers of HissCorSunCo marched proudly in singing "We're
here because we're here." (it was a reprise), determined to win this case once
and for all. They strutted like peacocks, so sure of themselves. That's where we
get the expressions "Proud as a peacock" and "Cock sure." But,
as anyone who knows birds is aware, it's all for show.
The bailiff chanted solemnly: "Enter the Judge. All now rise and let justice
be done!" To which everyone stood and cheered.
The court would have made a really spiffy opera, what with all the singing.
The entire court fixed their attention on the door in the right side of the front
of the courtroom, anticipating the Judge. There was no jury in this case because
everyone was too involved and could not be objective, so only the Judge would decide,
assuming they could find one who was objective enough. They expected the best Judge
in the kingdom, and hopefully one not in the pay of the corporation, unlikely as
that seemed.
Normally, at this point, after a dramatic pause, the Judge would come out
singing and dancing "I'm here because I'm here." (It was a variation
on a theme) while everyone applauded. But there was a delay, and things didn't
turn out that way. The door remained closed for what seemed an overly long
dramatic pause, and the members of the court began to look around and mumble.
Then, slowly, the door opened.
All eyes were fixed on the portal, eagerly anticipating the Judge. Everyone gasped
when, surrounded by a glowing aura of golden light, the Goddess of Truth and Wisdom
herself, smiling gray eyed Athena, the Warrior Goddess who battles for truth and
justice (a job later taken over by super heroines) came through the door, entered
the room and stood before the Bench.
She was so beautiful to see! In one hand she carried the Golden Spear of Truth, and
in the other, the Book of Hissican Law. The eerie, wonderful and somewhat marshal
mewsic that accompanied her procession came not from the PA, but was everywhere inside
the room. The courtroom was filled with the sounds of oohs and ahhs as everyone admired
this most remarkable visitor.
The media ratings shot through the roof when this event was replayed on the evening
news.
Contest: Guess what it
says on Athena's book!
Write us with your guess and we'll tell you if you're right!
(e-mail link at bottom of this page)
Thema Athena
The beautiful Warrior Goddess addressed the court:
"You are probably wondering why I am here." She smiled at them all, for
though she was a serious Goddess, she loved it when she could help find the truth.
"As it so happened, I was in the neighborhood when I heard about this case and
arranged it with your scheduled Judge to officiate at these proceedings. Are there
any objections?"
"Your honor.. er, your worship, I object!" Immediately replied a lawyer
for HissCorSunCo.
"Objection overruled." The Goddess replied as she took her seat behind
the Bench. "But it was a nice try. Please, in future, remember that it is unwise
to object to a Goddess."
Athena looked at her briefs (the legal ones), and then instructed the court:
"This case is most complex. The Defendant, HissCorSunCo, has rightfully by Hissican
law called for an injunction against the Palace in the absence of the King, Clydesseus.
They can do that; it says so in this book." She held up the volume in a dramatic
gesture. "When the government went bankrupt as a result, HissCorSunCo purchased
it at 10% value. In effect, HissCorSunCo is now the government and has been for many,
many years. They are acting, it would seem, in their own behalf."
There was a great commotion among the spectators as many of them hissed and booed
the corporation. Athena had to bang her gavel many times to restore order. She then
continued:
"The Plaintiffs, in particular Queen Penelopuss, acting as regent of the prior
government, challenge this injunction with the claim that the Hissican oil market
has taken a nose-dive which is being engineered by the corporation, HissCorSunCo,
and that the injunction must be lifted to save the Hissican economy. She makes this
claim in the name of her subjects, the noble citizens of Hissica."
There were wild cheers and screams of delight, including a chant of "Long live
Penelopuss, our rightful Queen!", and once more, Athena had to bang her gavel
many times to restore order. The Hissicans were an excitable bunch, as cats tend
to be.
Athena the Wise continued:
"It will be up to the Plaintiffs to prove their case if the injunction is to
be lifted. They must prove that the Hissican economy is ruined (she snorted, she
couldn't help herself, this fact was so obvious), and that the corporation is causing
this ruin. Are there any questions?" She looked around.
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|
Luna appears courtesy |
"Are you connected with this case?" Athena asked.
"Not directly. But, I can't figure out the answer to this crossword puzzle clue in my puzzle book. Since courts have cross examinations, I thought you might have a cross word for me."
"My dear kitty... Luna is it? That wasn't what I meant." The Goddess smiled, amused in spite of her serious nature. "And no, I don't have a cross word for you... you haven't offended me... yet."
"Oh, well then, never mind." Luna sat down again, perplexed over her puzzle.
No one said anything further, although some kitties did giggle at Luna's innocence. Yet, her remarks were appropriate. Innocence belongs in a court of law.
"Since there are no more questions," Athena announced, "let the trial begin."
She banged her gavel three times, and the lawyers for the case on both sides stood up and began a shouting match at each other. They ranted and raved, hissed, growled and flapped papers in the air, pointed and accused and went through all their legal theatrics at once, neither side listening to the other. The Judge and court were completely confused in the pointless din. Athena banged her gavel three times and they instantly stopped, bowed to each other and sat down quietly.
"So, did that help?" She asked.
"Not much. But we feel better for it." They all replied.
"So, what's the point?" She asked.
"The point is that the Hissican government has gone bankrupt by their own mismanagement, and there is no reason to lift the injunction." The lawyer for HissCorSunCo stood up and explained with a smarmy smirk.
"I object!" Telephoneous shouted also rising to the occasion (from which we get the term, Rising to the Occasion). "The Defendant misses the point, being that the government IS in bankruptcy, and the injunction MUST be lifted to save the economy. If my esteemed, and I use the term lightly, colleague agrees that the government mismanaged the economy, and their client HissCorSunCo IS the government, as we all know, then they are obviously guilty. Therefore, we call for an end to the injunction and a restoration of the monarchy under Queen Penelopuss."
"Impossible!" Demanded the defendant's lawyer. "That would erode our profits!"
"Too bad! Your Honor, if the economy fails, the country will be in economic ruin. This cannot be allowed to happen. There will be NO Hissica anymore! And no Hissica means no profits... for anyone!"
Athena, who had been leaning on her elbow during the arguments, sat up and remarked, "You have a good point."
"But," countered the defense, "We do not agree. Under our profit sharing plan, the citizens can prosper. We will not release the injunction."
Athena sat bolt upright at this remark. "Excuse me. Who are YOU to claim the power to lift the injunction? This court alone can determine that!"
Flustered by his own foolish bravado, the attorney hemmed and hawed trying to recover from his arrogant mistake.
Clydesseus, the maid, got up and strolled quietly to the center of the courtroom facing the table for the defense. "Would you, your clients and your honor," he turned and bowed to Athena in great respect, "lift the injunction if the King returned?" He asked quietly.
"Your honor, I object to being cross examined by a maid!" the defense attorney appealed.
"You're not a witness, so you can't object to anything." Athena remarked, which sent gales of laughter through the room.
"But, but I'm a lawyer!" The attorney complained.
"And a very objectionable one too!" Athena quipped.
This started a commotion which took many bangings of the gavel to call to order,
as it does in all good court dramas. When things quieted down, Clydesseus, still
in front of the bench, slowly (he had a flair for the dramatic) removed his maid's
garment, revealing his true self to the entire court.
A loud gasp went up among the elderly, because they recognized the young King.
"I, Clydesseus, rightful King of the Island of Hissca, have returned."
He said quietly and then sat down, waiting for the commotion his announcement started
to subside.
Several members of the court instantly bowed, but the proud defendants jeered and
called out, "Impostor, Fake! Everyone knows that Clydesseus would be much older
than this young kitten!"
"No, your honor, he IS the King!" Shouted Telephoneous. "He's my Dad!"
This set off another uproar.
Athena banged her gavel some more (she was beginning to enjoy it) and called the
court to order.
"The Defense has a valid point, based on the evidence provided and your remarkable
appearance. Can you, who claim to be Clydesseus, prove yourself?"
Clydesseus winked and let out a purr, a soft, low rumbling, deep in your throat kind
of purr that rolls to the listener's ear and lulls them.
"Okay, you got the purr down, but that can be faked!" Demanded the Council
for the Defense.
"Good point again! Say, you are a bright kitty, aren't you?" Encouraged
Athena. "Well, Clydesseus?"
"Your honor, " he answered, "As rightful King of Hissica, I demand
'The Trial of Clydesseus'!"
The entire court gasped and chattered in amazement. No one could pass the 'Trial
of Clydesseus' except Clydesseus himself. The King had invented the game as a diversion,
but it had become a symbol of state because there could only be one winner. It was
his ID card.
Athena banged her gavel some more, grinning, and called the court to order.
"Okay, fair enough." She said, and ordered the 'Trial of Clydesseus' to
begin.
It took some time but the bailiffs finally carried in a very nice blue marble vase
and placed it on the floor in front of the court.
"As you all know," Clydesseus said as he strolled around the vase, rubbing
it and causing it to wobble enough to fill the court with suspense, "I, Clydesseus,
your rightful King, am the Master of the Puff-Ball. But not everyone knows the origin
of the 'Trial of Clydesseus', so I shall explain.
Cats like to knit. Everyone knows that. We learn that skill as kittens by
our mothers' sides. Years ago, my wife, and your Queen, Penelopuss, knitted
a gigantic rainbow colored nylon puffball and stuffed it into a vase for safe
keeping.
The next day, she was unable to retrieve it. In fact, no one knows how to get it
out again. Except for the King.
The mouth of the vase is too narrow for any kitty paw to grasp the ball, and many
have tried and tried, to no avail. What was a simple storage problem became a diversion,
and is now known as the 'Trial of Clydesseus'.
No matter how hard the kitties of old tried, no one could get the ball out of the
vase without breaking it, and that would not be a good idea, since it is a palatial
artifact. Only I, Clydesseus, rightful King of Hissica, know the secret of getting
the ball out. Years ago, I used to do this as a magic trick. Today, I will once again
reveal my magic and prove my identity."
The court oohed and awed and clapped their paws, because everyone likes magic tricks.
"But first, your Honor, I want each of the defendants to try. This is important,
so you must cooperate." Clydesseus said, glaring at the Defense. "I want
it absolutely clear that this trial is not rigged".
Athena agreed with a nod of her head. "Proceed"
One by one, the defendants tried their turn at the puffball puzzle. They sniffed
and patted the vase, nuzzled it with their noses, some even tried to reach
inside, getting their paws stuck, but none of them could remove the puffball
They looked very silly trying.
"Now, my turn." Clydesseus said, taking court stage center.
He called for a jug of water and a flexi-soda straw. The court mumbled, but the bailiffs
brought him the items. Clydesseus began pouring water into the vase.
"Normally," he said, looking at the court, "a magician never reveals
magical secrets, but so that you may know beyond doubt that I am who I say I am,
your King Clydesseus, I will explain.
As you all know, water will not compress. It will remain within the confines of its
container unless forced to move." He finished pouring in the water.
"You also should know that the puffball is woven of nylon, and nylon
is waterproof. Consequently, it floats." Clydesseus remarked matter-of-factly
as he unwrapped the sanitary paper cover from the flexi-soda straw.
"And, finally, you all should know that air, when forced through a straw into
a water filled container, will rise to the surface as bubbles. We all may know this,
but do we know what it means when we put them together?"
Athena yawned and everyone in the court mumbled, but no one could come up with a
reply. Science was not a big subject in the Hissican schools.
"Then, please observe carefully, and understand where the name of our kingdom
comes from." Clydesseus placed the flexi-soda straw into the vase and hissed
into it.
Never was such a hiss heard from a cat! His lips were curled far back, his
ears pinned to his head, his eyes, fixed on the vase. The force of his hiss
was so great that billions of bubbles formed in the water so fast, and so
crowded that they pushed the puff ball up, up into the neck of the vase, straining
and squeezing, compressing, reshaping it by sheer force. In an instant, with
a rather loud POP!, the puffball shot out of the vase and bounced on the floor!
The court oohed, awed and cheered! Clydesseus had done it! Truly, he was
the King of Hissica!
Athena banged her gavel many times with her right hand, trying to clap at the same
time with her left (from which we get the phrase, "What is the sound of one
hand clapping?") and finally brought the court to order.
"Your Majesty." She said, bowing.
Clydesseus bowed in return and spun round to face the court. The defendants were
cowering at their table, a few of them were already crouching under it.
"As King of Hissica, and the rightful ruler of the realm, I declare that I have
returned. Your honor, I claim my throne which has been stolen from me! With your
permission, I would like to borrow a little of the court's time to clean things up."
Athena bowed in respect saying, "Your Majesty, please proceed, by all means."
He focused his gaze on the defendants, who now were all hiding under the table. "You
clowns are sooo in trouble! I know exactly what you have done, how you planned it,
and who helped you. Prepare for my judgment, the judgment of your rightful King!"
The entire congregation of the court cheered and whistled.
This was going to be good, they just knew it!
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