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ClydeSight2.0!
Presents...
A Time Travel Clyde Mini-Epic!
THE IDIOCY AND THE ODDITY
(with apologies to Homer, the ancient Greek
Gods and Heroes,
and lovers of great literature everywhere!)
--Part I --
The IDIOCY: A Really Epic Tail
Chapter Two:
THE TRAGEDY OF TELEPHONEOUS
While life among the royal family (and in Hissica in general) was wonderful, one
thing troubled the rulers greatly.
They had both been neutered as kittens (it was a minor fad for a short time, though
not a practical one for breeding purposes). They could not have any offspring, and
therefore, could leave no heirs. They left plenty of hairs, being cats, but hairs
cannot rule a kingdom nearly as well as heirs can.
Queen Penelopuss, having a loving and maternal nature, was very distressed by her
situation, and often longed for a kitten (as do many children in modern times). She
prayed to the Gods, all of them (this took up a lot of her time), for an idea or
some help, but it seemed as if the Gods were indifferent to her plight. Actually,
they were a bit stumped by the medical obstacle the neutering fad had created.
But then, one day, as Queen Penelopuss was finalizing a shipment of Hissican oil,
she suddenly went into labor and gave birth to a beautiful orange tabby kitten!
Surprised Clydesseus considered this a miracle and, being a spiritual king, wanted
to offer thanks in a temple of some God or other, but could not decide which God
was responsible for the miracle. So, he arranged for a special celebration at the
palace. Everyone was invited, including all the Olympian Gods. Most of them attended,
bringing special spiritual gifts for the adorable kitten.
Zeus appears courtesy of:
The University of Haifa Library
ZEUS brought the kitten the art of camouflage, so he could go anywhere and blend in with his surroundings, thus assuring that he would not be detected or molested by curious human children. It was a trick Zeus had mastered to avoid his wife, HERA, who could be childish herself.
Hera gave the kitten the gift of marital fidelity, a trait that seemed to be lacking
in her husband.
Ever wise ATHENA, daughter of Zeus but not with Hera
(a cause of some controversy), gave the kitten the power of wisdom so he would know
not to jump up on unstable furniture.
YODELOLEUS, the God of Gurgling Wind, gave him the gift
of gab and taught him how to yowl so he could be heard from miles away. The practicality
of this gift was not clearly understood by anyone, but since it came from a God,
no one argued with it. In honor of this God, they named the kitten, TELEPHONEOUS,
which means "to gab over great distances".
POSEIDON, the Sea-God, attended the celebration but
did not give a gift. He claimed that his surf and waves had kept the island safe
for years, and his tuna really was the source of their oil empire. He figured he
had done enough and, don't look a gift Sea-God in the mouth.
Seaweed-green Poseidon may have had a good point, but this did not sit well with
the proud and somewhat arrogant Clydesseus, who made the mistake of whining. Like
many heroes, Clydesseus was rather foolish. While the Gods all enjoyed wine (the
more the better), they detested whine (the less the better).
The wine-dark Sea-God was furious and bellowed:
"I'll teach you a mighty lesson, you foolish little kitty!"
And marched off into the sea. As he stormed off, Poseidon bopped the unfortunate Telephoneous on the head with his trident, making the kitten revolted by the sight, smell and appearance of tuna. This was unfortunate, as Hissican Oily Tuna was the only food supply on the island. There was a terrible panic because everyone knew that in a few weeks, when the kitten was weaned of his mother's milk, he would starve to death!
Clydesseus was beside himself with grief and begged the other Gods for help.
Zeus and Hera appear courtesy of:
The University of Haifa Library
Zeus and Hera had gotten into one of their many arguments and ignored him as they
shouted at each other. Athena was too wise to get caught in the middle of any quarrel,
and Yodeloleus was so busy taking a cellular conference call from the four winds,
that he paid no attention.
And Clydesseus troubles were just beginning! Life is like that, one day, you're on
top of the world, the next, you're not.
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