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presents...
Fictitious Letters Real LettersThese are fictitious letters to Clyde. He made them up. (That's what fictitious means.) Anyway, they're funny, so enjoy them. Maybe they'll give you ideas for what to write to Clyde.
Dear Clyde,I would like you to come to my birthday party. If I send you an invitation, will you come?
Signed,
Hopeful
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Sorry, no way. I don't like ice cream and cake, and I'm not much fun at party games. The last time I went to a party, it was for another cat who took a dislike to me. You know you're not having a good time when your host hides under the bed and spits at you.
You'll have a much better time without me. The last time I played with a balloon, I punctured it with my claw and it exploded in my face. I really don't think parties are much fun.
I like to live a quiet life here at home. I hate to travel, especially since I'm usually confined to a carry box. I find that to be very undignified. Thanks for asking.
Happy Birthday Anyway,
Clyde----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Clyde,
I think you are a very cute cat. Are you seeing anyone?
Signed,
Longing
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I am seeing someone as long as I look at them and keep my eyes open. I do, however, often fall asleep while doing this, so the answer is, sometimes.
See you later,
Clyde----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Clyde,
With all those toes and claws, have you ever scratched anyone?
Signed,
Concerned
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I scratch whenever I have an itch. I usually scratch behind my ear, or under my chin.
I also scratch my kitty post. I get into far less trouble scratching that than scratching the wall. I don't scratch furniture. When I scratch the wall, it sounds like chalk on a blackboard. Although the sound is extremely annoying, it gets attention.
I have, on occassion, scratched a human, but it has only been during play, or when I am in a panic. When do I panic? Just say the word "Vet".
When I scratch during play, it is unintentional. The best way to let me know that I've done this is to say "Ouch!". I stop immediately. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I need to know my limits.
Not to worry,
Clyde----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Clyde,
You seem to be a very curious cat. Have you ever gotten into trouble because of your curiosity?
Signed,
Curious-er
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I am curious why you ask.
I am curious about almost everything, especially if it comes in a paper bag. I am fortunate in that I am always allowed to peer into bags to see what they contain. Funny thing about curiosity, it rarely pays off. Usually, the bags contain things I have no interest in, like modems and computer parts. They're useless to me, I'm still looking for the phone.
Signed,
Clyde, the not-so-curious anymore
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Clyde,
Why did you make this web site?
Signed,
ISP (Internet Service Provider)
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Because it was fun, I learned a lot about the Internet in the process, and best of all, it was free. I hope you enjoyed visiting the site. Tell your friends and customers if you did.
I want more web space! I want to animate GIFS! I want to do multimedia! I want to star in a Quicktime movie! Most of all, I want my supper!
There's no limit to my ambition.
Greedy as Ever,
Clyde
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